


Give A Man A Snake And They'll Both Be Very Confused

by BurnerAccount



Series: Naga Adventures [3]
Category: Original Work
Genre: Adventure, First Meetings, M/M, Misunderstandings, Naga
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-06
Updated: 2019-03-14
Packaged: 2019-09-12 18:08:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,543
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16877721
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BurnerAccount/pseuds/BurnerAccount
Summary: This adventurer has finally found the target of his Quest!...It's acting kinda weird, though.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> For those who haven't read This Male has Overslept and The Adventure This Snake Never Asked For: This is basically a prequel to them both. 
> 
> Check the series tag if you like. (This Male Has Overslept is the first, non-chronologically, and is also just porn.)

On top of the highest point of the highest hill in the valley, there’s a large, flat rock. Up at this elevation, the stone catches every drop of fine, gold sunlight, and never has the hint of any shade. 

The _perfect_ basking spot.

So! Using logic - Only the most powerful naga would get to use it. Which, not coincidentally, is _exactly_ the monster Max is looking for.

Max watches the horrible thing slither into the clearing, from his hidden place in the nearby brush. And keep slithering. 'Large' didn't quite cover the difference between _this_ naga and the usual size.

Max keeps watching as it circles lazily around, runs a hand through its human-seeming hair - and curls up in a lump to bask in the sunlight, on hot stone.

Amazing. He didn’t think he’d catch it this same day, or at least not _this_ easily. Logic, yes. It _works_.

The Beast of the Valley is a deadly, thieving sneak. Who knows how many - Max does, it's somewhere between three and five - people it's murdered. That human bit helps it seem normal, but no. It’s an awful, monstrous imitation of decent people.

But right here, right now, it’s alone and exposed. More surprisingly, it’s completely unaware! Max is super lucky he got this close without being sensed, slain in an instant, then _devoured_.

The human mouth on that thing yawns too widely for it to look truly human - The massive tail flops back as it lies down. Belly up, loosely coiled.

In most creatures, the stomach would be their vulnerable spot. With this one - it’s heavily armored. It’s the human bit or nothing, and that’s still going to be tough….

But when is Max going to get a better chance?

If he goes into that clearing - he might get a moment or two before it reacts. It hasn’t noticed him yet. He could sneak up on it. If he’s very, very quick, he might-

No.

No, that’s not right. It should know its crimes before it dies.

Besides, sneaking isn’t _fair_.

Max straightens up, steps out into the clearing, and makes no attempt to disguise the clanking of his armor, or his footsteps.

There’s, oddly, no reaction as Max approaches. This creature surely spotted him. This isn't subtle... Though it doesn’t move, Max sees its muscles slowly tense.

When they’re almost five meters from each other, it rolls over, and trails its slit-pupiled gaze over him.

Max stops in his tracks. He tightens his grip on the hilt of his weapon. He’s not in range to strike - but neither is the beast. It’s looking at him, eyes half-lidded. Slightly coiled, arms resting against the stone. A few fingers tap on the edge of the rock.

It says nothing. The tip of its tail twitches. Watching.

Max draws a deep breath - then his sword.

Here it is. No going back.

“Avaunt, monster!” He shouts, loud and his voice carries both his courage and conviction. “Your reign of terror is over, and I,” He raises his voice. “Am here to _vanquish_ you!”

It doesn’t move. Or answer him, at all. It stares for a long few seconds.

Then it rolls its eyes, flopping back down, and waves Max off. “Go away.”

Hey! Max is very threatening!

“I’m here to _vanquish_ you.” He repeats. He thrusts his sword forward a bit. Maybe this thing didn’t get the point.

The beast makes a rude gesture, back still turned.

Max…

Hesitates. This. Isn't.

And sheathes his sword. He sees the naga’s ear twitch, and simply feels confused.

This monster can’t even react to a threat right! This isn’t how things are supposed to go! Where’s the attack? The bloodshed? At the very least there should be a better insult! This isn’t following the usual roles of, of monster and hero interaction, and…

And.

This doesn’t fit the description _at all!_

“Hold on, beast,” Max says, and fumbles around in his pouches. Where did he put the thing, he knows it’s here somewhere. He beams, finally pulling the bounty notice out of his pocket.

Reading it again, the description seems right - he squints at the monster, sticking his tongue out - back down at the notice.

The naga looks over its shoulder at Max. Then around the clearing, opening and closing its mouth - then at him again. Frowning faintly. It rises up, very slow. Apparently Max warrants attention again.

“No, no, just a second!” Max waves at it before it can try and start what it didn't before, frowning. That’s not important right now. None of this makes sense.

“What are you playing at?” The naga asks, voice low. Slightly hissing. Coiled more tightly, raising up its human part. Anything that comes close is in for a very, very deadly hug.

Max watches the naga - still annoyed at him, but still not aggressive. Well....

“You seem like a well-fed beast,” He starts, rubbing his chin. He looks over this thing’s scales - nicely shiny, that probably means this naga’s hale and hearty. He points at it, eyes narrow. "How much of that was manflesh?”

The question seems to throw the thing. Max gets stared at.

“None.” It replies. Though it took a few seconds. It has a weird look on its face. Its long tail spreads loosely across the rock, while it folds its human-ish arms. “Humans aren’t worth the trouble.” A beat, where it seems like it's thinking. "I prefer to avoid you."

Max… hums softly, thinking it over. He narrows his eyes, cups a hand over his chin, but….

The beast  _does_ have a point.

This creature has no reason to lie! After all, eating humans might bring in more humans - but only humans like Max, who are all ready to slay the beast. If it has some wits - which it does, it didn’t attack first thing - it would have thought of those consequences. It’s not insane, or insanely aggressive.

Besides, if it wanted Max dead, they’d already be settling things! Man to monster, as honest as any adventure Max has had.

He tucks the bounty notice back in his pocket. Feeling slightly miffed.

Damn. Max came here for nothing.

“Well.” He clears his throat. He taps his foot for a second - then shrugs. “I’ll be off, then.”

“What?” The naga curls up tighter. Lucky thing Max isn’t close!

But Max knows monsters! This naga is alert, sure! It’s tightened its coils, in case it needs to strike, but it’s _defensive_! Nothing about its body language has said ‘attack’, from start to finish.

Also, it’s giving him the kind of disgruntled glare that Max has mostly seen from when he’s interrupted someone sleeping. And of course this thing couldn’t get _back_ to sleep in the nice, warm sun, with him here. Max doesn’t seem like a threat to this thing, but it’s still wary.

“Sorry to have wasted your time,” Max says, and waves, as friendly as he can. “Case of mistaken identity.”

He gives it another half-wave, turns, and strides off.

His face feels hot.

Interrupting someone’s basking is probably rude, and Max even waved a blade at it! That’s, like, triple rude! This naga probably won’t be able to nap for _ages_ after having an adventurer interrupt its rest. He's probably ruined the _best basking spot_ in the valley.

Max smacks himself on the helmet. He should have asked first, and used sword later.

There’s a very soft noise behind him that gets cut off, falling silent.

Max unfolds the bounty notice again, and frowns at it, marching through the brush and forest. Damned if this isn’t frustrating! This trail didn't work out, and he wasted a _lot_ of time on it.

Now he’s got to find the right target.

Max was supposed to be facing a, quote-unquote, ‘huge specimen’. Not like any other naga in recorded history. Which… that creature was. Most nagas, given legs instead of a tail, would barely come up to Max’s chin. _That_ beast would have towered over Max if he’d been human.

But he was also supposed to be vicious, aggressive, and hungry for manflesh! A naga consumed with an urge to devour any human it saw. Mad with, quote, ‘cannibalistic urges’.

That _can’t_ be the one Max just met. Of all the monsters he's met - and there's a lot - this one was maybe the single most docile.

Something _else_ must be murdering humans around here. Max mentally crosses that creature off his hunting list, and hums to himself as he walks.

Time to figure out what it could be.


	2. Chapter 2

_Tap tap tap._

Annoying sound.

It stirs Zephyrus, briefly. He rolls over, and snorts. Weird dream. Bad sound. Sleep?

Sleep.

Yes.

He shuts his eyes, slides his coils into a comfy position, and rests his head against the pillow of his scales. .

_Tap tap, Tap. Tap tap._

Sounds. Still?

Zephyrus peeks an eye open, not quite willing to let go of his last bit of sleep. The sun can't have been up for even an hour. Who could have enough energy to be this _annoying_.

The taps grow sharper, louder, and weirdly, takes on a rhythm. Something’s hitting his door, and they didn't even have the decency to try to break it down.

Nobody with any sense would come to his den  _this_ early in the morning. And punching his door to be let in? Only  _humans_ announce themselves like that, and there’s no human Zephyrus knows. But it's still there, rapid, insistent, and it doesn’t seem like it’s going to stop. 

Some  _imbecile_ has decided that if they wanted Zephyrus’ help, they’d need to be ‘polite’. Like  _that_ would bother Zephyrus less. It's not even hunting season yet, and they're bothering him. He groans, bracing a hand against his back as he straightens to his full height, and reluctantly slithers out of bed.

This had better not be a human problem. They're difficult to handle at the best of times, and besides. Humans are about to be a big part of Zephyrus' life, if he can’t figure out how to sort out the bounty issue. There are humans out there who think he’s a  _maneater_ , and Zephyrus is…

Still working on how to solve that.

If he's attacked, the second he defends himself - that’s proof he's a killer, so. That adds another ten humans questing to kill him, even though all he wanted was to _not die_.

The only reason Zephyrus isn’t wounded yet is because the  _first_ bounty hunter who showed up - actually, astonishingly - _believed_ him.

And when that weirdly trusting human shows up dead, Zephyrus is going to have a bigger problem. Someone so friendly probably has a lot of very close friends, who will be several tones less generous.

Zephyrus never even _touched_ that human, and he’s going to catch hell for it anyway.

He rubs at his eyes.

No use overthinking it. The human scampered away too quick, before Zephyrus could process what was happening, much less stop him. The man’s death shouldn’t be on his conscience. He did  _nothing_ to that human. If the adventurer decided to charge off into danger, it’s not Zephyrus’ fault. 

…It's irrational, but it bothers him.

And someone’s  _still_ knocking at his door. 

Fine. _This_ annoyance first. If they’re at his home, it’s at least someone he  _knows,_ and that means he can lecture them about bothering him, without getting into a fight _._ Zephyrus slides over, tailtip thwacking impatiently on the stone floor, and yanks the door open. “What do you-”

 

“It’s great to see you, serpent!” Says the human, voice bright. It waves an armor-clad hand.

Zephyrus stares. His hand drops from the door handle.

“It took a few tries to find the right place, but, hello! Here you are! Your kind is much more friendly than I thought.” The human spreads his arms wide. “They told me  _right_ where I could find you! And… there was something about getting a hug?” He holds his hands up, slightly embarrassed. “Not that it’s necessary, I hardly know you.”

Zephyrus opens his mouth, breathing in sharply - and shuts it in a flat second, eyes wide.

“You-” He starts. Then. "You." He says, because he can't find anything else to say.

This human is. Thathuman 

The bounty hunting,  _idiotic_ human, who - Zephyrus glances over the armor. Bloodstained, certainly. Something in this human’s pack is dripping, and his gauntlets are shiny with only bits of red-brown splattered on them. The splash across his helmet hasn't been cleaned. Zephyrus flicks out his tongue.

Absolutely none of the blood is human. Not even a drop.

“You’re alright,” Zephyrus says, for lack of anything more intelligent to say.

“No need to worry about me,” The human says, and his tone is - maybe embarrassed, maybe pleased. He’s weirdly cheerful, he braces his hands on his hips, armor clanking as he clangs a fist against his chest proudly. “But rest assured, serpent, the  _true_ beast was defeated, and I have cleared your rightful name!”

Zephyrus keeps staring.

As the largest, and most powerful of his people in the area, Zephyrus is already a literally huge target. With a bounty on him, there'd be no easier naga to blame for being maneater. Once word about that got out, there would be no way to say otherwise.

He had already pictured it, partially. His whole life, defending himself against a broken reputation, with no way to change it. It's not something you can fight your way out of. It's not something a human would believe, coming from the mouth of the enemy.

After all. Who would ever believe the word of a  _monster?_

In front of him, the armored human droops, slightly at the ongoing silence. His upright finger falters, as does his arm. “Your- Ah. Hm.” A metal-clad finger taps the chin his helmet. “What  _is_ your name, friend?”

This person, apparently.  

“Actually,  _do_ you have a name?” The human asks. He seems embarrassed to break the silence Zephyrus let linger. “I’m not very familiar with-”

“…Zephyrus.” He shifts in place, tail starting to lash slightly. He’s not sure how he feels about this.

“Zeph!” The human says, throwing his arms wide, reaching out. He shrugs, letting his pack drop to the floor. “What a lovely name! Let me tell you, it’s great to see you again!”

 “What?” Zephyrus is deeply confused. Seeing this human in one piece is, admittedly, a relief, but how - and what is this - He shakes his head, "No, it's Zephyr-”

And Zephyrus grunts, and stiffens, as two armor-clad arms wrap around his own, and over his back, holding him tight - his tail writhes - 

There isn’t a sword at his throat, or an axe swinging at his scales but the cold metal on his skin makes him tense. He stops before reacting, shifts around in the grip. A gauntlet slaps Zephyrus’ back, but not too hard. If it wasn’t covered in metal, it might have even been reassuring. This isn’t a tackle, or an attack. 

This is genuinely a  _hug._

This human isn’t terribly bright, missing the obvious euphemism. A naga ‘hug’ has a different meaning entirely.

Zephyrus, very carefully, pats one hand against that ironclad back. 

Then grunts at the way this armored human thunks his metal, helmeted forehead against his shoulder. He may not be a threat, but the steel he’s clad in still makes Zeph’s -  _Zephyrus_ ’! - scales itch with warning.

“Let me tell you,” The  human says, straightening up and walking past Zephyrus. “It was a fight well fought! A glorious battle-” The human nearly steps on his tail, but flails to avoid it -

He falls, and catches himself on his arms, though it comes with a considerable amount of clanking. Then laughs. “Ha! My apologies!” The human struggles to stand, getting to his knees. “If it isn’t too much trouble, could I…” He fumbles at the clasps of his helmet as he kneels.

This human can’t possibly be suggesting - 

“What. Rest here?” Zephyrus asks, incredulous. 

“Oh! That’s a very kind offer! I only wanted to leave some armor here, for a while,” Says the human, sounding thrilled. He’s still fiddling with his helmet. “I knew you were noble. But now I know you’re  _generous_ , too! ” He adds, voice warm and affectionate. “You’re truly a remarkable beast.”

“I-”  Zephyrus starts - waves a hand rapidly, thinking of a way to correct this. “Ah, no. Wait.”

The helmet falls to the floor, clattering on the stone. Zephyrus watches it bounces on the floor a few times, grimacing. He’s leaving blood over the clean stone of Zephyrus’ den. He's ready to protest -

And his jaw shuts with an audible click.

The gauntlets are shed too, and shortly after, the chestpiece of his armor follows the rest, clanking into a pile of steel that Zephyrus barely notices.

With all of the excess cast off, the human stands, and sighs. Left in his undershirt and leg pieces.

He breathes out in a soft relieved sound, running his hands through his sweat-damp hair, stretching his arms out and sighing. The cloth of his undershirt is damp with sweat, and clings tight to all the details that are universally appreciated. His teeth are white and brilliant in his smile. 

His head tilts to the side, looking at Zeph's face, still smiling. He has very nice eyes. “Something wrong?”

Zeph shakes his head.

“Oh, damn. Sorry! Terrible manners. I never introduced myself!” The human says. He rubs at the back of his head, then reaches out a hand, grinning with friendly pleasure. “I’m Max.”

Zeph is glad this human doesn’t know much about nagas, because he’s already halfway coiled up.

This isn't spring. Spring is avoidable. Zephyrus’s been trying to forget his weird biology for  _years_ , been  _avoiding_ the season for years, only  _this_ is. 

Male. Human. Young _healthy_ male, who is human, and strong. He wouldn’t be  _here_ , talking to Zeph, if he wasn’t tough, and a fighter. And rugged, like someone sturdy, well-traveled, and Zeph did not expect that kind of face from some, some, _adventurer_ , he’s unfairly handsome. Humans should have more scars.

He's here. And he's friendly, and warm and doesn't mind being touched, _likes_ being touched, and it's nice, and very bad, and most importantly,  _ruining_ everything that Zephyrus had been quite happily ignoring. 

He should leave.  _Immediately_.

Zephyrus rises up, crossing his arms. He glances down at Max’s hand, and deliberately doesn’t take it.

“Oh,” Max says. His friendly smile falls, and so does his arm. His smile drops. It’s… not disappointment.  Or anger.

Max looks up at Zephyrus like he’s done something  _wrong_. 

But of course he hasn’t. If anything this human has done everything right. He’s done Zephyrus the biggest favor of his life, and he’s asked nothing for it- The problem isn't his.

Zeph feels his tail tangle around itself almost into a knot. 

This human doesn’t know  _anything_ , he  _certainly_ doesn’t know that he’s met the  _only_  naga in existence who knows better than to devour him. _Or_ the only naga who’s…

Max clears his throat.. “I didn’t mean to upset you- 

“River,” Zeph says, before he can stop himself.  He shuts his eyes, jerks a thumb at the door. “Not far away.”

“What?” Max sounds surprised. But to Zeph’s relief, slightly more cheerful.

“You’re back from a battle. I don’t know what  _humans_  do, but I’d appreciate it if you-” Zeph starts, rubbing at his eyes. A little water should take away the worst of Max’s scent. Afterwards it should be. Tolerable.

“Aha!” The exclamation is bright, almost laughing. “Aw, Zeph, you should have just said if I was a little ripe,” He nudges Zeph with an elbow, voice back to its incredibly happy tone. “I should be thanking  _you_ , I’d love a good bath. Where’s this river?”

“Down the hill, not even a quarter mile. Follow the incline,” Zephyrus says, and starts, surprised at the slap on his shoulder.

It was, as with all things with this human,  _friendly_ , but-

Zeph watches for a second as the leg armor comes off. Even more exposed flesh. When the rest of the clothes start to follow, Zeph deliberately slithers past this human, back into his nest, and keeps his eyes covered the whole time.

“Be back in a jiffy, friend!” Max says, as the last of his clothing joins the pile of his armor. “I’ll tell you all about the battle when I get back!”

Zephyrus nods a little in acknowledgement, hearing the human scamper barefoot out of his den. He rests his hands on his tail, and his chin on his hands. He stares blankly at the wall.

It’s honestly a relief, that this human - that  _Max_ \- is alive. 

 _Max,_ the classic hero type, down to the dumb decisions. Max, who didn’t attack  _Zeph_ , because being a naga wasn’t enough for him to decide Zeph was a true monster.

Humans are  _strange_. This one wants to stay the night, which is absolutely idiotic. Zeph  _should_ shove him out. Obviously Max can fend for himself.

But.

Hell.

One night’s just  _one,_ and it can't possibly get any weirder than this.

Zeph settles down on his tail, trying to relax. He can’t help but feel he’s slithered into something strange.

He hopes it won’t go anywhere weirder than it already  _has_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And then it got way, way weirder than it already did. Read 'This Male Has Overslept' for details.

**Author's Note:**

> Max's good nature has, in fact, gotten him in fairly major trouble before.
> 
> This is the one time he was right.


End file.
